genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
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