apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize