you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
