I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
