I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
