As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Randomize
