There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
If I had your ass I would rule the world
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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