dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
