this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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