please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
