The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
