My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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