Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
