Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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