Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Why are your pants in the freezer?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
