I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
You were trust falling into bushes
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
