Betty ford says i'm here all night
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
