wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
