She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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