I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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