Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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