I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
