Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Randomize
