Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
