then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
