i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
