Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
