The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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