I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
The feeling are messing with the penis
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
