Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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