If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
