I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Randomize
