So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Randomize
