as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
This house was built for laser tag.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
