when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Randomize
