I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
