Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
