Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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