i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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