when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
