I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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