i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
