I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
