i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
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