That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
