After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
