i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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