Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
dude i'm inner monologue high
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Randomize
