What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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