Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
