So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
