Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
