just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
