I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Randomize
