Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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