its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
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