I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Randomize
