you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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