i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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