o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
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