Umm I'm too high to move.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
