3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize