A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
What a fucking waste of an outfit
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
